The second issue of the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald's? newsletter
I have taken all necessary security precautions, and thus I am prepared to reveal certain details about my travel schedule related to my upcoming Expedition to Alaska. First, as a word of warning to anyone thinking about ambushing me or setting booby traps in my path, I will tell you that I have been assured all of my accommodations feature at least one door lock plus a desk chair of appropriate height to wedge underneath the knob. It is true that a battering ram wielded with a moderate amount of force could overcome these measures, but the resulting noise of preparation (the grunting that would no doubt result from any lifting of said battering ram) would be an adequate enough alert that I could jump through a window and sprint at least five yards away from my lodging before the first cracks appear in the door.
I have also secured the services of a local guide on Adak Island, who will act as a “first line of defense” if I am set upon in the wilds of the tundra. I will not provide any identifying information at this time, but suffice it to say that this gentleman is in top physical condition, as the oblong spheroid shape of the Earth means that gravity in the northern latitudes is that much stronger than further south, thus conditioning the skeletons of Arctic residents to endure more physical strain than those of outsiders. Unless any of my enemies have contracted an assassin who is native to the island, I should be relatively safe. And the chances of this are quite slim, as they island only has about one hundred residents.
Additionally, my recent brush with death after being poisoned with porcupine quills has built up an immunity in my system to certain chemical-based traps. This immunity only applies to the specific type of poison used on the aforementioned quills, but I am fairly confident the poison in question is a common “off the shelf” targeted killing tool and thus would probably be the weapon of choice for anyone attempting to sabotage my nervous system in the wilds of Alaska.
With those warnings out of the way, I would like to detail some of my plans for this expedition. I will arrive in Anchorage, Alaska, on Tuesday, November 19th. That evening, I plan to visit the local board game store Bosco’s to see if they have any copies of Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s (The Board Game) that they wish me to sign. I will then retire to an undisclosed location for the remainder of the evening, where I will conduct a deep meditation exercise for roughly eight hours (or until whenever I wake up) to prepare my mind and body for the journey ahead.
The next day (Wednesday, November 20th), I will travel to Adak Island itself. I shall remain there until the following Saturday, November 23rd, as these are the only days an airplane lands on this volcanic backwater. While there, I will have limited access to electronic communications and thus will be unlikely to publish any communications via my various social media accounts or via this newsletter. But it should prove to be a fruitful period otherwise, as I will, of course, excavate the island’s abandoned McDonald’s and also conduct a live recording of Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? as a public service to the local residents. This recording will take place in the abandoned gymnasium (near the abandoned racquetball courts).
Finally, on Saturday, November 23rd, I will return to Anchorage and provide the public with some “proof of life” before making the trip back home to Los Angeles, California, where I will compile my research into an “easily-digestible” form for the layperson public.
Once more, I would like to thank all who donated to make this expedition possible. You are true friends of journalism and thus of a superior class to most.
(In the meantime, I will continue my investigation into the ghost of Pomeroy Castle, which will be the subject of this week’s program.)
For this issue of the newsletter, in lieu of a recipe, I shall provide a link to an article on Gourmet.com which details how to slaughter and cook a seal: http://www.gourmet.com.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com/recipes/1950s/1955/07/the-way-eskimo-cooked-seal-meat.html