September

September 2021

August has ended, and as almost always happens around this time of year, September has begun. I find September to be a month without a clear identity. It is no longer quite summer, but it is also not quite autumn. Were you to show up at a friend’s house in late September wearing your swimming costume and carrying a beach towel, you would seem rather strange. Doubly so if your friend does not own a pool. But “by the same token”, anyone who decorates their living space with plastic autumnal leaves purchased at a steep discount during last year’s post-seasonal craft store sale before at least October 1 runs the risk of being officially dubbed “neighborhood oddball”.

If you happen to live in the southern hemisphere, simply reverse these ideas and they should still hold true. Similarly to how when you travel north of the equator you have to flip your watch upside down.

But despite September’s identity crisis, I am still hard at work investigating McDonald’s Pizza. Specifically, the question of whatever happened to it.

For those who may be unaware, the weekly live broadcast of Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? Radio has begun at PizzaatMcDonaldsRadio.com. Every Thursday night / Friday morning at midnight EST, this variety show (which includes the week’s episode of the regular Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? program) will air once and once only (not including any encore broadcasts). Only Patreon patrons will have access to archives. So please adjust your late night schedules accordingly.

The first episode of Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? Radio featured a curated selection of fine music, a tribute to my mentor Art Bell, and a segment devoted to interesting trivia regarding the film Willow 1. Future episodes will be full of even more fascinating surprises. I would also like to feature the creative work of my regular listeners. So if you would like your musical recordings, spoken word performances, or arrhythmic throat noises to air on the show, please send them to pizzaatmcdonalds@gmail.com.

More directly related to my investigation, I believe I have made some major “breakthroughs” regarding the true reason why McDonald’s stopped serving pizza, and I hope to chronicle those developments on the program during the rest of this month. I also have plans to continue my educational efforts by releasing the sequel to my award-worthy short film “Better Days”, in which the character Ronald McDonald’s and his new ward Crepe continue their adventures in baking and selling McDonald’s Pizzas.

Thank you for your support.

August

Hello, newsletter subscribers.

It is now the month of August, which symbolizes the end of summer, even though summer does not officially end until the end of September. Why is this? No one knows. But the matter is even more confusing for those who live in the southern hemisphere. For them, summer is winter. Autumn is Spring. And August has a different name altogether, though I cannot pronounce it.

Though I am a busy investigative journalist, I took the end of the previous month (July) to indulge myself in a brief vacation. One of the fruits of this endeavor has been chronicled on the latest edition of my program concerning the McDonald’s Pizza jingle. More developments regarding this jingle are forthcoming. But encountering a jingle expert on the Santa Monica Pier ferris wheel—

Excuse me. I just noticed that when I type the word “ferris", the artificial intelligence that lives inside my computer manifests a red, squiggly line underneath. Typically, this indicates either that I have made a spelling error or that the artificial intelligence is incorrect about how a word should be spelled. When I ask for its suggestion as to how to type “ferris”, it insists that the word should be capitalized. I will now pause to do some research into the matter. This pause should not affect your reading experience in any way.

I have completed my research. It appears the Ferris wheel (no more squiggly line, I see) was invented by a Mr. George Washington Gale Ferris, Jr., an American civil engineer who invented the eponymous wheel for the 1893 Chicago World’s Columbian Exhibition.

So that explains that.

All due respect to Mr. Ferris, but it seems he was simply in the right place at the right time. Although he may have been the first to take bolt to metal and build a giant wheel ride, he certainly was not the first to look at a wheel and think, “I could ride on that.” My point is that while we now know this ride as the Ferris wheel, it seems quite likely that given any amount of time we would enjoy the same contraption built by the hands of someone else. Perhaps it would be called the Smith wheel or the Davis wheel or the Culpepper wheel.

Still, even though I now understand the reason why there is a red, squiggly line underneath the word “Ferris” when I do not capitalize it, I think I will exert my privilege as a biological intelligence to continue spelling it like “ferris”. These wheels are ubiquitous enough that the word should be generic. Similarly to how the word “dumpster” is no longer capitalized despite the name of its inventor: Stink E. Gross-Dumpster, III.

Thank you very much for your attention, and I look forward to corresponding with you all again in roughly four weeks.

Sincerely,
Brian Thompson, journalist

July 2021

Hello, everyone.

I am very pleased with the progress made regarding my investigation throughout the month of June. Largely, my efforts have been focused on exploring issues related to McDonald’s Pizza in the nation of Canada (which I only recently learned is not a fictional place from the realm of sci-fi/fantasy). I hope to travel there in the near future to continue with this investigatory “thread”, but in the meantime I will be looking into some other matters. Listeners/viewers of the program will discover soon enough what those matters are, but as loyal readers of this newsletter, I will let you know now that one of them involves McDonald’s clothing at a major retailer called Sears.

I have also been creating videos for my YouTube channel, including a very informative “live stream” of my building an off-brand “LEGO” set. I then used this completed “LEGO” set as a film set for the production of my new major motion picture “Better Days”, which has only been out for a brief period but it already eligible for several awards. You may view both of these videos here:

In the coming month, I will be producing even more exclusive video content, including a taste test of the various pizzas available near my office in downtown Los Angeles, a tour of an abandoned underground mall in downtown Los Angeles that may have once held McDonald’s Pizza secrets, and my attempt to join a storied social club for the most important people in the city of Los Angeles.

I understand this may seem like too much “Los Angeles-focused” content, but I simply do not live in another city. Apologies.

In conclusion, please enjoy this intriguing artifact I have uncovered in the course of my investigation. It is a McDonald’s employee training film hosted by minor league baseball star Michael Jordan and created during the heyday of McDonald’s Pizza. I am still scouring it for clues. If you see something, please say something.

June 2021

Hello, everyone.

It is officially summer in the northern hemisphere (the hemisphere in which I live). I hope all of you are staying hydrated and wearing enough sunscreen. This is true no matter in which hemisphere you live and has nothing to do with the season. I just have a handwritten note in the June 1st square of my calendar that reads, “Remind people re: hydration/sunscreen”.

With that out of the way, please allow me to update you all on recent and near future developments regarding my investigation. (I do not have a reminder re: reminding you re: this on my calendar. I simply remembered to do so.)

If you have not already, I strongly encourage you to subscribe to the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? YouTube channel. On said channel, you will see an announcement video for the video version of the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? podcast:

In case you are technically, morally, or spiritually unable to watch this video, I will tell you that it announces Friday, June 4th, as the premiere date for the video version of the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? podcast. This new program will be exactly the same as the existing program, only with visuals. If you choose to listen only to the audio version, you will not notice any change.

I am able to expand into the realm of visual media due to the leasing of a new Pizzaply Media headquarters in downtown Los Angeles’ iconic Library Tower (sometimes called the US Bank Tower). This facility will serve as a high-tech studio that will not only produce both the audio and video versions of Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s?, but will also produce new video “content” related to my investigation such as “man on the street” interviews, livestreams, and other material.

If you do not subscribe to the YouTube channel, there is absolutely no way in which you could consider yourself an informed citizen. With these new tools, I am certain that my investigation will enter a whole new realm of fruitfulness.

I have also overhauled the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? Patreon, which now offers multiple tiers at which you may financially support the program, with rewards including personalized video messages, merchandise, and journalistic credentials legally recognized in over 12 countries. If you are so inclined, why not browse the offerings here: https://www.patreon.com/pizzaatmcds

Finally, I am sure several readers of this newsletter are gardeners or are people interested in gardening. If so, I highly recommend the Sneeboer narrow head cultivator for aerating your soil. I am not being paid by the Sneeboer corporation to say this. I simply find that no other narrow head cultivator has as back-saving an ash handle, nor as adequate an anti-slip knob end. If you do not believe me, please watch this video:

Thank you all very much for reading and for supporting my investigation.

May 2021

Hello, everyone.

It is now the month of May, which according to many calendars is the fifth month of the year. Most of these same calendars measure a year in terms of twelve months. No one knows how accurate these calendars are (and even fewer care), but assuming they are correct, that means we are now 5/12ths of the way through the year 2021.

Humbling, if you think about it.

I hope you have been enjoying the new singles from my upcoming acoustic album Another Slice of Brian Thompson. I have directed two music videos for them, which you may view at my YouTube.com “channel”. The first single, “A Reporting Job”, which many are saying is an anthem for out-of-work journalists, is also available on several music streaming services.

The full album will be released soon. In the meantime, I am very excited about some major developments in my primary investigation (that being my investigation into why McDonald’s stopped serving pizza). I cannot share many details now for fear of “spoileys”, but I trust your continued listenership of my program throughout the coming month will prove quite fruitful vis-à-vis your education and/or entertainment.

I would now like to address a matter that has been “weighing” on me quite heavily for some time. As longtime listeners know, there is, in fact, a McDonald’s location in the city of Orlando, Florida, that still serves pizza. This location is not a normal McDonald’s. Rather, it is a novelty McDonald’s meant to attract the curious tourists who frequent the area’s many theme parks and brothels.

This McDonald’s not only serves pizza, but also pasta and salad from a salad bar. Actually, I do not know if the salad bar is still open post-pandemic. If so, I hope each lettuce leaf is treated with some kind of antibacterial spray before being set out. Regardless, I think I have made it clear that this McDonald’s is atypical in the extreme.

Their method of pizza preparation is similarly unusual. They bake their pizzas in a brick oven, following a recipe that no reasonable person could ever claim to be “original”. Thus, I consider this pizza to be non-canon and not worth any further investigation. However, it must be said that while visiting Orlando to tour the filming locations for one of my favorite blockbusters, “The Florida Project”, I visited this McDonald’s and tried the brick oven pizza myself. It was pretty good, though a tad pricey.

I restate all this to provide the appropriate context for the predicament in which I now find myself. As my program has grown in popularity (now being one of the top podcasts in the world), many enthusiastically correspond with me about this non-canonical pizza believing they have made a major discovery. It has become quite tiring to respond to all of these messages. Not only because I have grown weary of explaining the difference between canonical and non-canonical McDonald’s Pizza, but also because it brings me no pleasure to dash the enthusiasm of these innocent young ignorants.

So, I am asking a favor of you, the loyal subscribers of this newsletter. Please, whenever you meet a new person whether in a personal or professional setting, take the time to inform them that I already know about the McDonald’s pizza (note the lowercase “P”) in Orlando. Perhaps they will know what you are talking about, and perhaps they will not. Either way, think of this as an “ice breaker”.

With more and more people becoming fully vaccinated every day, opportunities to have this discussion will increase exponentially, hopefully resulting in a few minutes each day being “shaved” off my busy schedule.

Thank you very much for your attention to this matter and for your continued support.

Sincerely,

Brian Thompson, journalist

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