March 2021

Hello, everyone.

February was quite an eventful month, though sadly without very much progress in my investigation. I was sidetracked by Newsmax host Greg Kelly, whom I exposed as a liar after he claimed his local McDonald’s does not serve Filet-o-Fish. But hopefully I am “back on track” with my current effort to entice McDonald’s into bringing back pizza so I can “binge” eat it in a mukbang video.

To be very candid with you, I am somewhat concerned that my latest recordings have been perceived as “unprofessional” due to some louder than normal background noise. Over the past several months, several tenants have moved out of my apartment building. Typically, I would not notice. For security and time management reasons, I largely keep to myself, so I am mostly unaware of the comings and goings of my neighbors.

But approximately five weeks ago, I was forced to notice that several apartments in my building have been kept vacant after the previous tenants departed, as the owners have decided to renovate them. Consequently, every weekday from 8:00am to at least 5:00pm, I am subjected to constant bangs, pops, splashes, whacks, thwops, and crashes from the major construction occurring not 100 feet from my person.

At first I tried to make the most of the situation by interviewing the construction workers about their memories re: McDonald’s Pizza. But after receiving some “grief” from the foreman, I have given up on that effort. He asked me to “keep it quick” and “keep it down” when conducting my interviews, both of which are terms I find unacceptable. There is no point in asking a question if one is not allowed to budget the time for six to nine follow-ups. And as far as “keeping it down” goes, I would not have to “keep it up” if I was not forced to shout over all the bangs, pops, splashes, whacks, thwops, and crashes.

I attempted to create a makeshift soundproof recording booth in my apartment by recording under a pile of fourteen quilts, but after just a few minutes in this environment, my microphone becomes dangerously sweat-logged, causing my voice to sound like that of the character Connor MacLeod, the titular highlander from the film The Highlander, when he gets pushed out of a boat and finds himself at the bottom of a lake and talks to himself in surprise because he fails to drown (as he is immortal). In short, when my microphone becomes too sweat-logged, I start to sound rather “bubbly”.

I am still pondering how I might alleviate the negative effects from this construction, up to and including hiring local out-of-work actors to inhabit the empty apartments during the day and convince the construction crew that they have the wrong building. In the meantime, I will continue to time my utterances of syllables around each bang, pop, splash, whack, thwop, and/or crash and hope no one complains about any unwanted noises that “slip through”.

Finally, I would like to tell you all about a channel I have been enjoying lately. It is operated by a gentleman named Jim Foreman who lives in a Texas retirement community and regularly makes instructional videos about how to make breakfast sandwiches “the cowboy way”. This video is slight off-topic, but it is an interesting story about how he got kicked out of a Chili’s.

Thank you for your time and attention. I hope you all have a pleasant March.

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